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The Most Painful Day of my Life

Hi friends, I thought its been long enough now and that I have the strength to share my miscarriage story. Yes’ If you didn’t know I was pregnant, I was. September 21st was my 38th birthday and my husband and I decided since my “Chemical Pregnancy” back in April this year, that we would try harder, and if I didn’t get pregnant by my 38th birthday that he would see his doctor (wink). Well September 9th came and I decided to take a test…. it was positive, so I took “4” more including the digital ones that tell you “pregnant” or “not pregnant”. I was elated. I have felt for some time that we weren’t done and another babe was to be apart of our family and to make our family complete. To be honest for about 3 years I have wanted to try and have another baby, but we never took it serious enough until our excitement and surprise this past April. Once that didn’t go our way, we tried more seriously from then on. 

A few weeks had passed and symptoms were in full bloom, I had sore nipples, lots of acid reflux, I was tired non stop, and eventually the nausea and gaggy’s kicked in. I was grateful for all the sick feelings because that meant a baby was working hard and developing. Fast forward to my “8” week check up…. October the 11th. I was so excited and nervous. I mean now-a-days you read and hear so much about babies not making it. Nevertheless, I was excited and I could hardly wait to see and hear our baby, hubby was with me. We got to the doctors and the first thing they do is take me into the ultrasound room, I even said to the nurse “Oh we get to get the ultrasound first?” She said “Yep!” I was stoked. I laid on the bed and up my shirt went, and down the gel went, and then the doppler tool. There was my uterus but no fetus was in sight. I immediately thought Oh’ no and that something wasn’t right. Part of me thought, chill you read this online and they found the baby via a vaginal ultrasound. So they had me use the restroom, give them some urine, and back into the room I went. I prayed while I was in the bathroom… my heart was pounding. I went back to the room and prepped myself for the vaginal ultrasound. There was “sweet pea” I could see (her, I swear it was a girl). There was no woosh woosh woosh heart beat sound, there was no fluttering. I looked at my husband, I looked at the screen… my husband and I both cried later that we were both just waiting to hear the heart beat or see it… but  no, it never came, the baby was just frozen still. The ultrasound nurse said “Oh’ I am so sorry”, and called in the doctor. The doctor kept saying “Oh’ honey I am sorry” and she kept rubbing my leg. My arms and hands went over my head and I just started crying… this isn’t real, this isn’t happening. The rest of the visit became a fog, and I was so glad that my husband came with me that day and didn’t go to work. 

Sweet Pea was in my uterus but she was very very low, close to my cervix and had attached to my old cesarean scar tissue. That is what ended the babies life. I found I was right on time, and that she must have just passed, perhaps that same day or the night before. As I mentioned earlier everything became a fog after the devastating news. I remember crying so hard in the room they took us to, while on the phone with my mom that I felt as though I was gonna pass out from a broken heart.  The doctor came in and we spent the next hour or more talking about all my miscarriage options and how we would rid the fetus from my uterus/body. We ended up going with the option of a shot called “Methotrexate”, so that same day I had to go the hospital, to the cancer unit and receive two shots in my hips of methotrexate. This was a chemo therapy shot, and they use it to rid the tissue/fetus for miscarriages. I was in a blur while there too, you don’t believe or want to believe that something like this was happening. I always got pregnant within 4-6 months and had healthy growing babies with strong heart beats and developing on time. 

Since the Methotrexate shot, I have since had to go back to the OB office “4” more times for blood draws to continually wait to watch and see the HCG drop, right now its around 12000 and they want it at 0 or as close to. I talked with my doctor for the first time last Wednesday the 18th and asked him some questions I hadn’t had the chance to ask him prior because I had only been seeing nurses for blood draws. I asked him if my cesarean scar tissue ectopic was usual? had he dealt with many? He said that he had only ever seen me and one other patient with this kind of a “rare ectopic.” He said it shouldn’t have happened and shouldn’t happen again. I felt hearing that was the only bit of good news out of this entire experience. He also told me that because of how rare it is, that my journey to rid the fetus is about a three month journey. I will be back this Wednesday for more blood work, and they will be doing another ultrasound to see how things look and are going. If things haven’t changed much, its back in for another methotrexate shot in my hips and more blood work each month until the 3 months are up. 

I have never felt so much sadness and ache in my life dealing with this, especially the day I found out and the following week ahead. Thank goodness I was surrounded by amazing family and friends that showed so much love. I had a couple meals brought in, I received flowers, texts, friends stopping by, hundreds of messages on Insatgram from my insta story shares, and a lot of love on FB too. 

I know I will get to be with both these angel babies again, and I also know that they are in a better place. I have peace knowing that the Lord needed them more, and that they needed to stay with the Lord until we meet again. 


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12 thoughts on “The Most Painful Day of my Life

  1. Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry for your loss! I had to deal with this same thing last year with my granddaughter and it is so hard! I don’t want to further your pain in any way, but to give you hope. My g-daughter had to have the shots and ended up with a DNC that they thought damaged her uterus, but thankfully it didn’t. She just had her daughter Sept 17th. She came very earl and had some problems bit is doing well now. We don’t know what God has in store for us until He reveals it to us, but know that He is always watching and caring for the brokenhearted and He will give you the strength to get through this. I will keep you in my prayers. If you need anything…to talk, or cry, or whatever, please know that I am here for you. I know I’m not one of your close friends or family, but I am here and I do care and love you.

    1. Hi Christine, Thank you and Yes’ I am blessed to have an amazing husband. Each day gets easier, even when I have my out of no where cries. xo jen

  2. I feel your pain, I too have an angel baby! I am sorry you had to go through this and my prayers are for your healing.
    God Bless you and thank you for sharing, I know there are some tears on your keyboard.

  3. Hello, Jennie
    Thank you for sharing your story with us, your readers. I’m beyond sad for your baby and will pray for you right now, for a peaceful healing journey. I believe your sweet pea baby girl, is heaven and being raised by Jesus. Sending you a hug and much love from Seattle.

  4. Hi Jennie, I just found out this sad news, I sub to on YouTube and thought you had been quiet, I had a niggling feeling that something wasn’t right. When I found you here and read this sad news my heart broke for you and your family. Stay strong sweetheart, sending you all my love from Wales, UK xxx

    1. Hi Kelly, Yeah’ I haven’t had the strength to sit in front of the camera and bring it up. I know I will cry and I’ve done enough of that. Know, that even when the flood gates open, and it can happen at any time that I am doing a lot better. Each day gets easier. I plan to film tomorrow I have so many things I need to film and share with you all. Thanks for the visit. XO XO jen

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