How Lexapro Saved My Life!
WARNING: This is not a pretty post full of pretty pictures, this is real life and what really can go on behind the computer screen and behind the smiling pictures. I am sharing this to let some of you know that medication works. That if you have felt some of these feelings or thoughts such as I explain below, that you are not alone. I am not asking to be judged here, just to read this if you would like and to listen.
Five plus months ago I was a mom that hated her life and hated being a mom and just wanted to lay in bed all day and do nothing. I had no desire to do anything, and it was always a miracle I got any jobs and work done for my blog, and that my kids were clothed and fed. I forced myself to cook, and clean and do my best to take care of my kids. I didn’t enjoy any of it, and I despised pretty much everything minus my bed. I cried a lot and poured out my heart to my husband many times, he was always a good listener and always offered his affection and support. I can’t really say where the depression came from, a lot was my life and waiting for it to begin so to speak… feeling the shaft so much in our lives, feeling stuck that we will never be able to move somewhere better, stressing over lives expenses continually, dealing with some heavy religious issues, and just never feeling like I “we” could get our heads above water. Then to top it all off I had these “4” kids that needed me and depended on me, and I never wanted to lift a finger or do a thing. I was so lost and so bitter that I never turned to God either, I never prayed, which is something I feel so strongly about. I truly was in a giant dark tunnel lost in life, confused, mad, angry, and beyond bitter. I explained to my husband one evening while sobbing that I felt like I was drifting in slow motion through a dark tunnel and that I was trying to reach this small glimmer of light, but that I could never reach it. My depression got so bad that one day while all my kids were at school and my youngest fell asleep on the couch that I decided after forcing myself out of my bed “again” that I would hang myself. I went into my closet and tried lifting my weight off the ground while hanging onto the closet pole. I didn’t feel like it was sturdy enough, so I went to my shower, there was a thick much taller wider metal beam. I lifted myself up from it and thought this would do it. I thought very deeply about this decision and then set down on my tubs edge and sobbed, how could I let my kids or husband come home to this? and find me like this? I can’t do that to them, I can’t have them see that, I can’t destroy them that way!!! I cried so hard and went back to my bed sobbing and sobbing for a long time. My depression went on a bit longer until I forced myself to go see a doctor one day. I wanted to see him for some stomach pain I have been dealing with (still am) and to talk to him about my depression and thoughts.
Then and there at the doctors that day, feeling so vulnerable, sad, lost, and ashamed, my doctor prescribed me Lexapro. I started Lexpro later that afternoon, and finally felt that dark tunnel light twinkle a bit more… that everything would be OK. I went home and for the next few days and weeks things were looking up, I was feeling much better. I remember being in the car one afternoon and my hubby and I were chatting away, we were heading into town. He was telling me about something, I believe about his job/work, and I must of given him a peppy perfect, and positive answer, because he turned and looked at me and said “Who are you?” he said it with a big smile on his face, you could see how proud he was, he new I was better. I really was! I felt better, I sounded better, I acted better, I was back. Days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months, and on more then one occasion my sweet hubby would say something in reference to my attitude and “who am I?” he liked the jen he once new and married, he liked seeing me happy again. My sweet kids got their mother back too, I was up and out of bed (still a hard one in the mornings) and tending to their needs, I wasn’t laying in bed all day anymore, I was laughing, I was being goofy, dancing in the kitchen in front of my kids while making them lunch! HA! I wanted to create, and do and go. I was happy and productive again, and most importantly I was a mother and wife again, who no longer has any more suicidal thoughts.
Life is not perfect, its not that “Kodak picture” you see, its not the perfect (staged) bedroom, or re-model job, or craft you see. Real life goes on behind all of that stuff, and nobody has it perfect, and nobody is perfect. We all are flawed, and there is always room to grow and improve. That said, there are doctors, and therapist, and help out there that some of us need and its nothing to be ashamed of. Its all there to help us, we just have to pick up the phone. If I can help one person, one woman, man, father, mother, friend, blogger today, then I have done my part in helping, and I am so happy to have shared this with you. Life is short and it shouldn’t be spent sad, bitter, and lost in a dark tunnel. There is always light at the end of a tunnel, and I’m sure glad that I hung onto that light in “my tunnel.”
Kisses and Hugs,